Activities, Anxiety and Autism, Oh My!

I want to do all the things. This is the season for activities, after all. Christmas parties and ice skating, yes even here in Charleston this year. Christmas markets and parades. The Festival of Lights and the Night of 1000 Candles. I want to do it all. We haven't. We won't. And that's ok.

On the one hand, I want to do the things. On the other hand, I too get anxiety. I've probably been anxious my whole life. At times, it's not bad. You may not know it if you see me. At other times, it's more noticeable. When my daddy died in 2010, my mother and sister suggested I get "a little something" to help with my nerves. The doctor prescribed a small dosage of Ativan. I took it for a short time. When I moved abroad on my own shortly after, it was nice to know that I had the prescription, even if I didn't take it often. Years later, when I had Myers, I started to feel it more. I didn't like changing his routine, staying out too late, making him be in the car too long. This was all on me. Myers was a good baby and likely would have been fine. I just had it in my head, and so, I got anxious. I don't take anything now, but I know that this is part of me...the anxiety, and I know what triggers it.

With Myers' diagnosis, I feel a little better knowing that some of his behaviors and reactions are due to the autism; it makes more sense to me why he responds to certain things the way he does. I don't want things to hold us back though, because I think Covid took so much from us by way of traveling; I want to make sure we have the experiences. Side note: Covid DID take away many travel opportunities, but maybe also it was the universe saying to me, "You aren't ready to travel with your child...you have things to learn first." I'm ok with that. I'm ready, albeit a little nervous, to take some big trips. 

For now, I'm looking at Christmas activities nearer to home. We missed the German Christmas Market that was held a few weeks back. That was the weekend we got our sweet pup, Bewley. I really wanted to get out for that one, but things happen. That day, Myers got to two Christmas parades and did fine. He passed out in the stroller at the Park Circle Parade (that one is at night), but that was for the best because there was a lot going on...a petting zoo, games, rides, a full on carnival. It was sensory overload for sure. 

I'm not sure how Myers would feel about ice skating, so I'm ok with skipping that this year, although I think it is incredible that Charleston has this as an option. 

Christmas Chapel at school this week was a bit much for Myers, but luckily he was able to sit with me and his ABA was with us too, so I asked her to take him out when it got that he could no longer handle it. 

Maybe you're curious what I mean by that last statement...that he could no longer handle it. Maybe you're wondering what that looks like. This chapel was a LONG one...an hour or just over. Myers did great sitting in my lap the majority of the time. His classmates were on the front row of the pews, and my class was back about 10 rows or so. He got to sit with the "big kids," and whether he loved it or not, my class was happy to see him. 

Myers made a few small, quiet comments while we listened to the silliness on stage. It began to get a little chaotic during the 12 days of Christmas teacher rendition. What a blessing I didn't get called this year...last year I was "cast" as "5 golden rings". 

Myers asked to go potty during this song, so his ABA and I walked him out to the restroom. He didn't need to go, but that was his excuse to get out. Smart boy. I had the ABA walk him a little more after we took the bathroom break so that I could go back in with my class. She returned maybe 5 minutes after me, and Myers sat back in my lap. 

Things were going ok until the second grade started to recite Luke 2. This is the longest verse I can think of, and it's hard for anyone to sit through. It's VERY impressive those little people can memorize the whole thing. Myers was getting antsy though. Then soon after, Santa arrived. Kids started screaming in excitement. One of my students was sort of "poking at" Myers to get his attention, and Myers just didn't want any of it. 

I asked the ABA to take him out because I could feel it coming. Maybe it's mother's intuition, because the ABA didn't go anywhere. She wanted Myers to use his words (I get it) or to use his little prompting card (a laminated square that says "I need a break," but as we all discussed in a team meeting earlier in the week, there IS a time where we, as adults, can say, "Myers needs a break," and just take him). I'm not sure why she didn't. Because she waited a bit longer than I had wanted, then tried to get him to go, he was not happy. He was already in a state of agitation. She got him to the front of the chapel and he wouldn't go down the stairs to get to the side exit of the church. He was crying, not super loudly, but loud enough. I hurried down the aisle to get him. He needed the break, I knew he did, and she just waited too long to get him out easily. That's the thing, he'll go willingly the majority of the time. If you wait a moment too long, it's not as easy to get him to comply. Plus, he knew his mom was still sitting on that pew and didn't understand why.

People at school, some, know and understand. The children, for the most part, understand. They love Myers for who he is and I don't get as anxious about things there as I do in public. I won't lie though, on Wednesday, when Myers did his Christmas program dressed as a cow in all his "beasts of Bethlehem" glory, I wondered who in the audience was curious about him. Is that my own insecurity, or are there adults who sit and think, "why is that child saying "behind the yellow door" when everyone is singing? Don't reply with an answer to that. I know the answer. 

Myers did great in his Thanksgiving program a few weeks ago. It was beyond my expectations. He didn't want to be dressed as a cow for this Christmas one though, and although he sat on stage, he asked to get down the majority of the time. I couldn't see him from where I was seated with the family, but I could hear him. My class had a perfect view of him from their seat in the balcony. I started to feel the anxiety in me and I snuck up the aisle to get a glimpse of Myers. Yes, I pulled the "I work here so I can" card. I stooped down and peered around the front pews, careful to not let him see me. 

My anxiety. His anxiety. I see the connection. You know though, there are beliefs that mothers and children can feel each other's emotions. I'm 100 percent on board with that. Even in a Dave Matthews song he wrote about his sister, it says, "Sister, when you cry-I feel your tears running down my face." I'm with you, Dave.

For the Christmas holidays, Myers has a lot of ABA therapy (8:30-4:30 most days-a crazy amount for a 3 year old) so we don't have as much time to do the fun things, but again, maybe that's ok. I plan on getting us to the festivities on Market Street this weekend. I want to see the "snow" at Charleston Place and check out the "European market." We have family Christmas at Chance's parents today, and that has always given me anxiety for another reason (nothing bad-just the way gifts are opened over there...all at once in pure craziness and "fun" for the children). We will do the Festival of Lights at some point. Myers hasn't really cared too much in the past years, but I think he'll enjoy riding through this year. 

Whatever else we can get to, great. This whole blog has been rattling around in my mind for a week or so as I've seen Instagram and Facebook photos of people taking their families to all of these amazing Christmas activities, and I have felt a little jealous. Yes, we got a cute picture at the Goldbug Cookies with Santa, but Myers wasn't himself that day and we maybe were there 10 minutes. Actually, that was the first day of his week long 100+ fever, so I know he wasn't feeling well. He's better now, thankfully.

My anxiety kicks in sometimes, even when we have the intention of going places. I think the most important thing is that I remind myself that other people's lives aren't really my concern and it's my family's memories we are making. We will do what we can, and Myers has a great life, no matter when or where we show up. We are all blessed.